I've hardly had time to spend on the important relationships in my life. I keep apologizing to my friends for not calling, and not being able to spend time with them. My dear, dear husband has told me as we drift off to sleep that he missed me that day. More than once. And my kids.....my poor children. I feel so bad that I've been so non-present and distracted. Basically I've been so busy that I literally can't think straight. My thoughts are all sporadic and jumbled.
Have you ever felt like your life is speeding by you at the speed of light and you are missing it? Like the routines and tasks and jobs fill up your days so much that you miss the moments? I have been feeling this way for a while. It's frustrating, and I keep fighting the feeling that I am failing everyone around me.
It's difficult to know what I should be doing sometimes. I feel that if I stop working to go hang out with my family for a bit, that I'm falling farther behind on my business deadlines. If I focus on work, I'm neglecting my children and my husband. Add in trying to maintain friendships, extended family relationships, and ministries at church and I feel like my time is spread sooo thin that no matter what I choose, I am failing somewhere else.
Sadly, I often err on the side of neglecting my family. I think this is because I know they love me the most and will forgive me. But I don't want things to be this way. It's a very crushing way to feel. I want to BE with them. I want to BE there FOR them.
Here's an example....
Yet another day that I was busy working, not just scrambling to "catch up" but desperately trying not to fall even further behind. It was a lovely fall day outside and Owen came into the office and asked me if I would play with him. So I suggested that we go outside and he could ride his scooter while I watched. (He loves that.) But first I just had to finish the thing I was working on. So we'd go in a few minutes....
Fast forward a few minutes. He comes in again..
"Mommy, are you ready? Can we go outside now?"
"Just one more minute. Let me finish this real quick and then we'll go..."
"Okay, I'll go get my helmet on.."
Fast forward a few more minutes....
"Mommy are you ready now?"
"Just...one...more...minute....and then we'll go...."
When I FINALLY finished what I was working on, I went to look for Owen and found him asleep. In my bed. With his helmet on.
He was waiting for me to play with him like I had promised. And I never came. :(
I am soooo looking forward to Christmas vacation. The only thing I have scheduled during that time is Christmas caroling. And I want my boys to come with me for that. :) I'm looking forward to playing with them, and talking to them, and listening to them. I'm looking forward to spending time with Clayton without being distracted about all the things I still need to get done.
I'm looking forward to life slowing down a bit.
Sorry about the epic pity party post. I'm not REALLY having a pity party. I've just been thinking about this for a while and pressing forward through it. And I'm glad I'm almost done!
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3 comments:
Oh my gosh! You're preaching to the choir, sister! That was totally a conversation between me and Rusten--although he'd never voluntarily go to sleep. Hee hee! :)
You're an amazing mother, wife (from what I see--I'm assuming since I'm not actually married to you!), friend, and business owner! You should be proud. Take each day moment by moment--the work will still be there when the bike ride is done!
Just had to stop and comment... I hear you loud and clear! And I am sitting here nodding in agreement and with tears welling up in my throat because I feel the same way most days... fwiw, I think you are a beautiful person! Thanks for sharing this piece of you... here's a huge HUG... (Ü) and encouragement from one mommy to another.... :)
Thank you guys so much for the encouragement. I'm sure this is something that most moms struggle with. It's hard sometimes to balance everything and I haven't quite got it figured out yet. But I do realize how blessed I am to have the people in my life that I do and also to be able to do what I do.
Anyway, I really appreciate what you both said. Thank you. :)
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